I know the whole concept of #throwbackthursday is to reminisce on days gone by and bla, bla, bla.
But this week, it gave me pause.
The other day, Arjay sent us a package from Sydney. A few presents for the kids (if you have reading age kids- check out Anh Do’s book WeirDo- the kids love it, it’s HYSTERICAL), a present for Justin, an Aussie cookbook (Australians have indigenous food? ;)) and a pack of old photos. The photos were from schoolies week and it was a real kick seeing them. We graduated the day before, mom and I got mugged and traumatised for life and the next day, I got on a plane with my best buds and had a week I hardly remember because, hello, that was the whole point of schoolies week! I’m still friends with the people in the photos, albeit mostly on facebook, and it really brought me back. It also made me realise that there are photos from decades of my life that I can’t show my kids until they’re at least 16 lest I need to answer awkward questions like, why are your eyes like that? what’s the green stuff? Why are you on the floor/hugging the toilet/passed out on a bench in the dark?
Anyway, this is my #tbt photo this week.
Mom was 39 in this photo. 39. That’s 3 years from now for me. At that time, I was already 18. When I turn 39, Gabriella and Max will be 10 and 7 respectively. I remember when that was still a lifetime away.
Most days, I still feel like this is me. Obviously not on the outside (that was about 30 pounds ago), but i’m still waiting to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
But these monkeys won’t wait until then.
I guess we never really gave much thought to our parents then. About who they were when they weren’t our parents cos really, that’s the only thing that defined them for us (and face it, kids, especially teenagers are selfish). I have a great relationship with my mom, I like to think so anyway. But back then, I never gave a thought to who she was besides my mom. What sacrifices they made, the struggles as well as the triumphs. I guess, as a child, it’s just way out of our sphere. Everyday I worry about my kids, how we are raising them, if the choices we make will help or hinder them when we send them out to the big bad world. But when I see a photo of her at nearly the same age I am now, still so unsure of what I’m doing, it really is terrifying.
Obviously, we turned out AWESOME so they’ve done something right.
I only hope my kids will be as forgiving and understanding (and don’t forget well adjusted). Eventually.
I was sitting at the computer, half working, half telling the kids to turn off the tv and go to bed but I wasn’t paying much attention though it was way past their bed time, so engrossed was i in my work.
Gabriella came up and it didn’t occur to me for ages til I started to get annoyed that she was hovering around me buzzing in the most irritating fashion. I turned around to snap at her when she suddenly said, “that’s how annoyed I was earlier, mummy”.
I burst into laughter. She was referring to a conversation we had earlier that evening when I scolded her for not eating all her lunch at her field trip and she said it was because the wasps were annoying her.
It also made me pause, so often I get frustrated with my kids for “not listening” when in reality it’s because I’m the one whose not paying attention. Just a note to myself.
I’ve had a sick feeling in my tummy all day. I yelled at Gabriella (a lot) this morning. We were late, I couldn’t sleep so I couldn’t get up. She was up with the birds as usual and dressed and ready to go before I got downstairs. The usual what to feed my exceedingly picky kids for breakfast game started. She wanted boiled eggs, he wanted fruit trees. So I got breakfast ready and went up for a shower. She came up and asked could she have another egg and I told her to go ahead. She only eats the yolks and we don’t have it that often.
When I got downstairs, she had peeled and discarded all the white bits off all over the table and her tea set and had wiped her dirty hands on her clothes.
I lost the plot.
It seems so petty now but I was so cross and they weren’t paying attention cos they were watching cartoons and I freaked out more than I should.
A lot of it is my own fault. I should have prepared something the night before, I should have got up earlier, I shouldn’t let them watch cartoons in the morning, I should have stood my ground years ago and made them eat whatever I cooked, should have, would have, could have.
Max was delighted he wasn’t in trouble for once and started taunting her. Little @&3*%! So I yelled at him too.
So I apologised to Gabriella for yelling at her and rushing them but to be honest, I feel like it was a passive aggressive faux apology which she’ll probably remember in therapy years from now.
So I feel sick to my stomach and eaten up by guilt for being such a bad mummy. I’m working all day and I have a shoot this evening so they’ll probably be asleep by the time I get home. 😦
I need a day off from my two jobs, I need sleep, I need to stop chasing my own tail, but most importantly, I need to reconnect with my kids. To turn off my phone and all the other iDevices and just be. With my kids.
And so I am making more of an effort to “be in the picture” or let my kids take half asleep photos of me. Because, yes, mommy is here.
And instead of hiding them away on my phone, I am just as proud of them as I am of my kid’s photos because it shows the presence, the togetherness, make up or no make up.
They are still few and far between but I will treasure each one and make sure I leave them tangible and lasting reminders of us, together.
PS Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to like, follow, press, etc. This isn’t a blog I put out there, not many people I know IRL know about it. It’s just a place for me to verbalize (or try to) and keep a little visual reminder for myself of our every day. And that there is life outside of facebook. I do get a bit tired of all the passive aggressive status updates and the underlying competitiveness, etc, etc. Sometimes it makes me feel like a stand up comedian, waiting for the audience to applause.
What do you think of the new format? Too dark? Was the other one a bit lighter, more fun? Still having a play around anyway.
We had a Chinese lantern we were preparing to light and let fly for Christmas Eve.
Me: okay guys, you have to make a wish when we light the lantern.
Gia: a wish for who?
Me: your wish for Christmas.
Gia: I wish those people like in America after the storm and the people in the desert have homes and food to eat for Christmas.
Max: why are you crying, mama?
Me: cos you guys are the best.
If we wake up tomorrow and there is nothing under the tree, the love I have for my family will sustain us.
Have a blessed Christmas everyone.
So, it’s two days the Christmas. November has come and gone and I’m still not sleeping. Except for the 48 hours sleep I had when I was deathly ill with a chest and ear infection. I did predict it after the hectic summer we had. My martyr complex knows no bounds!
Anyway, I miss journaling. Listening to myself ramble on and on. And what prompted me to do it just now was panic. Panic that today, I found out that I am the heaviest I’ve ever been bar when I was pregnant. In fact, I probably weighed as much when I was eight months pregnant. It’s just not on anymore. I’m fairly happy with myself, I know I’ll never be the skinny girl I wished for and purged for in high school. But I’ve never been this big either. So time to have a rethink and a reset. Max is three next month and I know I will be blaming him for the rest of my life for never losing the baby weight! So let’s get this shit together. No New Years resolutions. This is today’s resolution.
No better time than now!
Although doing this two days before Christmas is akin to setting myself up for failure. Just a reminder to myself to take it easy. Step away from the trifle!
In other news, the kids are off for christmas holidays, it’s been equally fun and frustrating hanging out. Justin and I had date night for his birthday. We were out three nights in a row and I’m getting old. 🙂 no bouncing back the next morning like I used to. No sleep ins either 🙂
Mom is in Sydney with Bj, jj and arjay are with Bbd and dads at home.
I can’t wait for Christmas morning for the kids 🙂 hope Santa comes!